Whole30 With Half a Brain (And a Side Of Homemade Chicken Salad)

You know the saying, “I woke up on the wrong side of the bed?” Yes, well, this morning, I don’t think there was a “right” side of the bed.

After being greeted by Mr. Coffee Pot, I opened the refrigerator doors to take out some chicken sausage for a pre-workout snack, and like the Hoover Dam breaking loose, it hit me right in the face. We’re almost out of food. Shut the front door! (No really, shut and bolt it. No one else is getting in to eat the food I cook!) How are we almost out of food? I could have fed an army after food prep Sunday?!

Chicken Fajita Meal? Gone.

Mashed Cauliflower? Empty.

Roasted Sweet Potatoes? Also gone.

Berries? Barely hanging on.

By the grace of God, there were a few turkey meatballs and a couple servings of crockpot chicken. For some reason, in that moment, I became so overwhelmed with figuring out how to feed this army Lance. 

Then came the crazy eyes. If you saw me today, and I looked a bit frazzled, dazed, or let’s be real, just outright crazy, It’s because I was…am?

Where do you go to feed a human that needs to consume his body weight multiplied by 37 in calories?? Dear Lord, please let Lance’s stomach shrink. Soon.



I dare him to eat all of this. (But, really, please don’t 🙂 )

Once home, I decided to make a compliant mayonnaise for a chicken salad. After putting in all ingredients and completing the recipe, unfortunately the next step was to taste. Ugh. Apparently, the recipe called for “light” olive oil and not “extra virgin.” Who knew there was a difference?! Now I do. So, I took my incredibly irritated behind to Publix where I proceeded to get stuck behind every slow walker in the universe. At checkout, I used a gift card (remember when I returned $22 of almond butter 🙂 ), and there should have been $22 on it. There was $7. Not OK, not today, I want my money. And my sanity (and control).

I strolled to the customer service desk where the employee spent 10 minutes trying to figure it out. Even after 5 minutes behind a locked door, where I’m assuming Publix magic happens, he couldn’t. He called someone to him over the loud speaker. She arrived and they tapped around on the keyboard a bit before calling headquarters. “Headquarters can look up every purchase on the card.” Five minutes pass and I wonder if they know I’m on the Whole30, cooking for a man who eats 75,000 calories a day, and I haven’t had gelato in 10 days…so I’m ill. I decide they don’t and just keep smiling.

He hangs up the phone, obviously to give me what’s mine, my 15 missing dollars.

“Ma’am it looks like on the day these items were returned there was a $15.11 purchase made as well and placed on this gift card.”

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh. 

“Would you like me to look into it further?”

Ummmm…no. Thank you.

If he knew that I’m on Whole30 and due to lack of chemically laden, sugar-filled foods, now have half a brain, surely he’d understand, right?

I didn’t wait around to find out. I apologized for taking his time and told him that I’m crazy but very appreciative of his efforts. I bought some groceries the day I returned said almond butter. 

I let the thought of having the perfect Whole30 completely stress me out! Sort of like the weight of all the world’s vegetables were on my shoulders.

The Whole30 for me is supposed to help clear brain fog, not create it. It’s suppose to relieve anxiety, not cause it. And I believe it will, it’s just a process.

I got home, put on my big girl panties and got to work.

The Fixings

A double portion of this fajita recipe.

A double portion of this mashed cauliflower, adjusted to be Whole30.

2-3 cups of this almond butter.

Early this AM, I placed a beef brisket in the crockpot with some sweet potatoes, carrots, onions, and a few seasonings. It just seems too good to be true, but I’ll let you know if it’s any good 🙂

I did peel, chop into cubes, cover in coconut oil, cinnamon and salt, 3 sweet potatoes for breakfast and lunch carbs.

The Main Attraction

Whole30 Chicken Salad

I’ve never made chicken salad. Never. I used to eat my mom’s in high school but that’s been a few (hah!) years 🙂

First up: Mayonnaise.

Here’s the lineup:


 and here’s that recipe! Please go to your closest grocery store and get “light” olive oil before you begin. Please.

Next, the “salad” portion:


Top, left to right: 4 T chopped chives, 1 T parsley, 1/4 t dried dill, 1/2 t dried basil, salt.

Bottom: Juice of 1/2 small lemon, 1 C mayonnaise. (I didn’t use it all.)

And, of course, no chicken salad is complete without the star of the show:


I had 3 chicken breasts that I seasoned with salt and pepper on each side, placed on a baking sheet with parchment paper, and baked at 400 degrees for 20 minutes, turned them over and cooked for 15 more minutes. After letting it cool, cut each breast into quarters and started pulling away, which was oddly therapeutic.

Mix it all together and BAM:


You have Whole30 chicken salad.

Happy Hump Day! Here’s to Lance’s stomach and appetite shrinking immensely…Cheers! (With an approved LaCroix, of course.)  🙂


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